Update 2014

Recently I feel really...idk...negative? Emotional? Easily angered?

I don't know what's the cause. Could be the effect from sleep deprivation ever since the 2-week summer holidays ended and school started.

I have no idea what my subconscious is telling me.
In other news, hi. I haven't updated for like almost half a year.

I got into Line Play, a mobile app branched off from Line and had a good 3 months with them people until 2014 started and everyone left. I only went there because my friend urged me to and then it was done. I don't really like mobile apps anyway, small screens make it hard to read.

As for 2014, it started off well. Nothing really bad has happened, just the usual unreasonable and egoistic male teachers and whatnot. School, homework, oh yeah, I got rid of my block of singing online. So now I've been getting into this YTChorus forum community and it's pretty good. They're all very nice and welcoming. It's just really awkward when we try to do project and certain collabs. eue I found more motivation to sing after I had quit my vocal lessons. It was because of transportation and time and all, I wished I could've stayed longer if it weren't for all these inconveniences to get to the centre. During those 9 months, I finally learned belting, and then switching different voices. If I had stayed for another 3 months, I guess I would've mastered different singing styles by now, but I guess that's one thing I gotta learn on my own from now on.

Mr. Ivan was really great. Much better than the previous vocal teacher I had that had taught me nothing for 3 lessons. Ivan didn't have any prejudice against the age difference between him and me, and he was alright with my lack of Chinese fluency. (His lessons were mostly in Chinese with a mix of English to explain things I couldn't understand.) So after being on and off my youtaite status, I came back and now I'm uploading covers every week...or as much and I hope I can achieve within a week. Heh.

My social condition with my class has improved ever since 7 students from our class were dropped down to the Art Stream from the Commerce stream. We now have 16 students in the class so it was easier to communicate and interact. The learning atmosphere still isn't great and occasionally there would be silent rivalry/intimidation but that was all. It's just that I don't know what happened to me. I just suddenly gave up trying to study hard, gave up trying to be good, gave it all up. But somehow, I still managed to squeeze through the areas of 'passes'.

It might be from the atmosphere that the other students have made, as I said, the learning environment isn't really enthusiastic. Or it could be that I'm still dwelling on things in the past. Do I have to explain this? Yes I do, time to let out all my bottled feelings oohyeaah

During the second half of year 2013, I became heartbroken. No, not because of breakups or rejection from confessions. Noooope. I have to say that I am the type of person that can't really deal well with loss, be it voluntary or involuntary. What happened was that whom I considered as the closest youtaite friend I had, brushed me aside and pushed me away. Not physically, but you get the idea...I hope. One day, I just tried to catch up with her and talk to her after she came back from a temporary hiatus and boom, she was a different person. Before, she was this bright, appreciative and open person while dealing with a cruel reality irl. There were times she shared things which she said she had never shared to anyone else and times where I tried to comfort her while she was down. When she came back from her hiatus, she turned all 'humanity is just cruel and everybody has an evil side' when I asked her for advice on how to deal with the difficulties I was facing in high school. It shocked me and at the same time, it worried me. I was paranoid of pressing the wrong buttons and losing her as a friend forever. I guess at that point, she didn't even see me as a friend anymore. That was the last conversation I had with her. I tried to ask her other contacts about what was happening to her. They didn't know what was going on either. I didn't dare to talk to her again because I was walking on egg shells with each word I typed. But I kept to my beliefs to help people in any way I can.

About half a year later, around the start of this year, she sort of blocked me off the face of the earth along with some of her friends whom I've contacted to find updates on her situation. It hurt me a lot, to see that I have been...not blocked but more like deleted. It hurt me more when I saw that it wasn't just her but one of her friends, who was the closest to her, had also done the same thing. Since then, I must admit, I had to resort to...stalking. It's just this gut feeling that I have that forces me to seek reasons and answers. Answers and reasons of which...I can never confirm. Of the whys, hows, who and whats, where and whens.

I had concluded with the cause of it being her fame, as her fans and followers grew big rapidly like wildfire. It was to be expected and I am happy for her but I do worry that it might harm her, as I've seen how people get corrupted by fame and too many praises until they couldn't see their flaws. Empathizing with her fame was something I couldn't do because I had never experienced fame as much as she had. I went back, to the accounts she had long abandoned and left behind, to follow the tracks left behind while she journeyed forwards and I, backwards. It was a painful and agonizing journey full of cries and feels and it felt like betrayal even though it was more like leaving you behind. But eventually, I found out that she had been left behind before, abandoned, alone and hurt, wondering why anyone would just trash you out like that , and so I drew up the hypothesis of whether this was the real cause. That she had been hurt before and now she feels that she others need to feel what she felt just as she had experienced it.

I could only wonder and draw up hypotheses and conclusions but not the truth. And every time I try, I'd have memories flowing back and bringing me down the memory lane.

I don't think I ever felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Because every single person I know means something to me, be they friends, family , acquaintances or just people I had never talked to. Thus, losing someone is like losing my little pinky finger, losing a part of me.