Despair, Hatred, Anger, Sadness

Appreciation.

That is something that the people can never gain.
At least, the ones in my class.

To be left out.
To be ignored.
To be treated as if I am just a piece of trash around the corner.
To be recognized as nothing but the wind.
To feel unwelcomed.

That's right.
I'm unwelcomed.
Nothing more than just a newcomer that they don't want.

I dread going to school because of them.
I dread going to school because it's meaningless.
I dread going to school because I do not want to see them.
Yet I'm still forced to go there.

What kind of school is this?
Nothing more than a mere propaganda to protect its image.
Maybe I should have considered going to Kinabutan.
At the very least I can still meet Kasma, Muthiar and that guy I talked to during the inter-school speech contest.

Their ideas for conversations are beyond normal. All they do is talk about sexual things.
Either that or Esther just talks about Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, FF tactics and FF5.
Maybe I should have just...stayed in Adam Smith, stayed in commerce.
Maybe it was a bad decision to go into Art.

I despise each and every one of them.
No, actually, they despised me first.
That's what made me despise them.

Lazy, annoying, selfish, rich asses who don't even think about other people. Spoiled to the very edge of their mind. It's so meaningless, their life.

Meaningless.
and yet why?
Why should I feel despair, hatred, anger and sadness towards them when they're not even worthy to be angered upon?
Why should I long for their acceptance?

Oh..I know now. It's because of their bullying.
I was able to manage in SMKBS because no one bullied me. I was fine being unsocial.
But here, I'm constantly being made fun of, constantly being insulted, constantly being ignored when I try to ask important questions, constantly being stabbed and slapped in front of me.

Is this karma?
Karma upon what I did to Lu Zheng Zing?
But I wasn't the only one, why should I be the only one to shoulder this burden?
This burden of the past, when I've already went through so much pain and hardship?
Should I feel guilt or should I feel like it's nature?

I don't think I'll even be able to hold a smile in the photography session on Monday.
No, I guess I won't. Not when I don't even feel happiness in the class.
Not when I'm not even suitable for the class.

Despair, Anger, Hatred, Sadness. All these, built towards their treatment.
Often I'd wonder to myself, as my mother said, if they're just jealous or not.
I'd try and think of ways to encourage myself that I do not need to feel all these.
And yet, every single time, it weakens.

My virtual friends and me, our ties and bonds have weakened because of the meaningless long hours of school.
Maybe that's why I feel so lonely. Maybe that's why I feel despair, anger, hatred, sadness.